Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Is Anybody Out There?

Well, hello there....

You might remember me from my last blog about a zillion years ago, when my life was going a bit off the rails. Unfortunately, since then, things went from bad, to worse, to really, surely that's enough now FFS!

I won't bore you with lengthy details about this year, suffice to say the optimism about dating didn't last long, with every single bloke I met, without exception, being a cockwomble, so the less said about that the better.
I finally went back to work after the episode of ME/CFS in late May, but had a total meltdown at work in September and went off again. Just to make that all the more fun, I wasn't getting paid either, and had to wait until the end of November for an ESA payment.
I also lost my Nan in September, it was a sudden loss and obviously hit me quite badly, and to be honest, nothing much about this year has given me anything to feel positive about whatsover. I spent the last 3 weeks of 2015 just willing the year to be over.

So, now, here we are, January 5th (as I'm writing, as I'm on a night shift), and whilst this year started off with a close to perfect New Year's Day, things are now right back where they were in 2015, although I'm doing my absolute damndest to not let anything drag me back down to the depths of despair I reached last year.

Weight loss wise, it's not been a great year, I'm heavier than I was this time last year, but only by a stone or so, and I'm actually not too upset about that as eating is pretty low on my agenda right now....yep, you read that correctly! For someone who has spent their whole life turning to food for all the things it can't give me, like comfort, my body seems to have gone in totally the other direction. I have barely any appetite, and quite often, when I do eat, I feel sick, sometimes I am sick. I have to force myself to eat, and the list of things I can stomach isn't exactly healthy. I need to start focusing on eating properly, getting small, healthy meals down me, but whilst that might sound easy, I was given a diet sheet by the health trainer at my Dr's and the amount of food on it almost made me feel ill. It's not a great situation at all, and for the first time, I'm having to try and sort out a very new problem with food, one I haven't dealt with before. I'm still logging my food diaries on MFP, but I'm afraid for the moment it won't be much use to any one else!!

I wanted to at least get a brief update out there to you all, as so many of you have messaged and commented asking how I am, just taking a moment out to show you care, and it genuinely means so very much to me, especially when I am struggling to deal with life, so a huge thank you to you all. You've helped more than you know.

Briefly down to business then, I'm currently making the scales weep at 22st dead. I know I need to get my eating sorted, sooner rather than later. I want to lose at least 5stone this year so I can get back to jogging, as after so much time off work, and so much energy wasted dealing with my depression and anxiety, I couldn't even walk 5k, let along jog it! Plus, I felt so much happier just being able to wear clothes that actually reflect who I am, rather than what fits! When I have some time, I think it might just be time for another list :o)