Friday, 22 April 2016

Springing Back

I'm sure you'll all be very relieved to hear that I'm starting to feel a lot brighter ..... at bloody last I hear you all shout at your screens :o)

Whilst my stomach problems are continuing, IBS is causing the problems, plus my gall bladder is packed with stones, which is nice, in a lot of ways, the rest of my life and health is starting to slowly fall back into place.

This is my 3rd week back at work, and although I have a disciplinary awaiting me next week due to my absence, I'm hoping I'll be given the chance to show that when I'm healthy I'm a good employee - only time will tell if that give me that last chance....fingers crossed eh? My anxiety is definitely a lot better, no panic attacks for a while, which is good, and low moods, whilst still a menace, are not as frequent as they were. Would be rather marvelous to feel 100%, but for now I'll settle for being healthy enough to be at work every day!

Weight wise, I was pleasantly surprised when I stepped on the scales a few days ago, my eating is still a bit haphazard, and whilst I haven't  been eating huge amounts, what I have been eating isn't particularly healthy, and that combination has seen me settle at 20st 12lbs at the moment, so not as bad as I was expecting! The plan is to get back to eating proper food soon, but I have a reason for enjoying my food at the moment......

....I finally have someone to share with :o)

As many of you have commented,  my smile is back! This does mean, however, that much time is being spent snuggled up on the sofa with take aways or munchies. Bad Karen! Anyway, I'm sure you all want to know how I met this gorgeous hunk of a man!

We've know each other since 1986 when we both started at Hainault High - yep, it's taken me 30 years to get my man! I fancied the arse off him at school, and we even went out on a date when we were both 14 - something we both remembered - to the cinema to watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where we pretty much sat in silence and held hands.....ah the joys of being a smitten teenager! Neither of us can remember who actually plucked up the courage to ask who out at the time, and we're pretty sure crippling shyness then prevented anything more happening. So, I've always had a soft spot for Jay, and of course we were friends on Facebook as you tend to be with old school friends, we started chatting when he was going through a tough time, and things have progressed from a rekindled friendship to love - which is rather marvellous! So there you go, good things DO come to those who wait! 

Strange how someone you haven't seen since school turns out to be someone you can be utterly yourself with, open and honest with and feel so damn right and comfortable with. Life is a funny old thing.

So, with a sparkly new relationship (which feels as close and relaxed as a long standing one) and a new future to start planning for, my spirits are definitely up! He's even got me spring cleaning - so my Mum certainly approves so far :o) He's supportive of me losing weight too, and can't wait to go out on bike rides together, so there's a good incentive eh?

I'll be trying to blog more as I get myself back into the swing of looking after what I eat and shifting this weight again. Thank you all, as always, for the comments and messages, they help me so much when I'm feeling useless and worthless - your support (all of you) is priceless!

Oh, and a little P.S. for those of you who were upset at the news of me and Hague splitting up - we're still fantastic friends, more brother and sister now, and he's now engaged to his lovely lady Rach....guess who's going to be Best Man? :o) 


Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Is Anybody Out There?

Well, hello there....

You might remember me from my last blog about a zillion years ago, when my life was going a bit off the rails. Unfortunately, since then, things went from bad, to worse, to really, surely that's enough now FFS!

I won't bore you with lengthy details about this year, suffice to say the optimism about dating didn't last long, with every single bloke I met, without exception, being a cockwomble, so the less said about that the better.
I finally went back to work after the episode of ME/CFS in late May, but had a total meltdown at work in September and went off again. Just to make that all the more fun, I wasn't getting paid either, and had to wait until the end of November for an ESA payment.
I also lost my Nan in September, it was a sudden loss and obviously hit me quite badly, and to be honest, nothing much about this year has given me anything to feel positive about whatsover. I spent the last 3 weeks of 2015 just willing the year to be over.

So, now, here we are, January 5th (as I'm writing, as I'm on a night shift), and whilst this year started off with a close to perfect New Year's Day, things are now right back where they were in 2015, although I'm doing my absolute damndest to not let anything drag me back down to the depths of despair I reached last year.

Weight loss wise, it's not been a great year, I'm heavier than I was this time last year, but only by a stone or so, and I'm actually not too upset about that as eating is pretty low on my agenda right now....yep, you read that correctly! For someone who has spent their whole life turning to food for all the things it can't give me, like comfort, my body seems to have gone in totally the other direction. I have barely any appetite, and quite often, when I do eat, I feel sick, sometimes I am sick. I have to force myself to eat, and the list of things I can stomach isn't exactly healthy. I need to start focusing on eating properly, getting small, healthy meals down me, but whilst that might sound easy, I was given a diet sheet by the health trainer at my Dr's and the amount of food on it almost made me feel ill. It's not a great situation at all, and for the first time, I'm having to try and sort out a very new problem with food, one I haven't dealt with before. I'm still logging my food diaries on MFP, but I'm afraid for the moment it won't be much use to any one else!!

I wanted to at least get a brief update out there to you all, as so many of you have messaged and commented asking how I am, just taking a moment out to show you care, and it genuinely means so very much to me, especially when I am struggling to deal with life, so a huge thank you to you all. You've helped more than you know.

Briefly down to business then, I'm currently making the scales weep at 22st dead. I know I need to get my eating sorted, sooner rather than later. I want to lose at least 5stone this year so I can get back to jogging, as after so much time off work, and so much energy wasted dealing with my depression and anxiety, I couldn't even walk 5k, let along jog it! Plus, I felt so much happier just being able to wear clothes that actually reflect who I am, rather than what fits! When I have some time, I think it might just be time for another list :o)