Sunday, 9 November 2014

Re-start, Re-think, Re-join!

The universe, in it's infinite wisdom is not being kind to me at the moment. My health, both mentally and physically, is shocking, money is tight, and I've taken to shoving terrible foods down my throat like it's an Olympic sport.

Previously, my main health issue was depression - deep, neverending lows that would knock me for six and send me to the safety of bed to ponder why I was even bothering to breath. This time, things have changed, anxiety has gripped me, with no real rhyme or reason. I have no reason to spend my days in a state of adrenaline fuelled panic, but I am. Heart racing, body heating up, adrenaline rushing around my system doing nothing but making me feel awful. I am constantly tired, not just tired, exhausted. Drained. No energy whatsoever, I'm 39 years old, life shouldn't wear me out to that extent - especially not when I spend most of my days sitting. 

Not just sitting of course, sitting and stuffing my face full of all kinds of shockingly bad for you foods. Biscuits, crisps, white bread and butter and Asda's Gingerbread Fudge ice-cream. I can't remember the last time I ate my 5 a day. Thousands of calories are passing my lips, my gorgeous new clothes are getting tighter and tighter, and my target weight is disappearing in the mists...My scales are broken, well the battery is dead. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Last time I dared to get on the scales I was well into the 16 stone bracket once more, now I'm probably in the 18's, if not more.

It's not good. It's not good for my health, it's not good for my anxiety, it's not good for my fitness. It does have to stop. It's not even as if I feel good when I shovel rubbish down my neck, I feel dull, lazy and bloated. I've not gone back to old habits, I've developed ones that are far worse!! 

Deep down, I know it can't last. I know I don't want to be over 25 stone again. I was suffering in so many other ways at that weight, and I can't let it happen again. You know, I used to scoff at that quote, nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels, but you know what? It's true. Nothing I've indulged in - even the gingerbread ice cream - tastes as good as that feeling when I slipped on that figure hugging black dress way back in December 2013 and got my 11½ stone award. Nothing.

I've not just been busy destroying all my hard work, I've been thinking away too. I think I've been sabotaging myself to a degree, way back in the summer, when nothing would shift the weight I tried on lots of pretty summery dresses in New Look. All in a size 12, all fitting perfectly, yet out of the bottom of those dresses hung my big, fat, white, dimply legs....possible Lipoedema legs....a condition that is only just starting to be recognised, and as such I'm waiting for my GP to find out who she can even refer me to for a diagnosis! I think that image, of me, in those dresses, which I'd be unable to ever wear affected me much more than I realised at the time. In these last few months I've had to come to terms with certain things...I will never have the figure I want, never. My legs will always be big, my stomach and arms will now always be floppy. It won't change. However, I felt a million times better at 13st 9½lbs than I do now -and if that is the lowest weight I can reach, so be it. It's better than being where I am now!

So what next? Well, I have a copy of this week's Woman magazine and I shall be re-joining my SW group on Tuesday. I don't care what the scales say, I have to take the effects of being utterly off plan on the chin and get working on getting myself healthy and fit once more. Blogging shall be part of that journey, as the support I get from you all is priceless.

Thank you for sticking with me - let's do this thing eh? 


9 comments:

  1. You will rock this again, just like you did last time. We are all willing you to get back in the groove, and drag us with you!! Lots of love to you chick xx

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  2. Oh Karen I am sending you so much love and hugs the past 18 months have been terrible for me having lost the two most important men in my life and now my wonderful partner has complete heart failure and is waiting for a transplant. We can get through this we can. I have learnt to take one day at a time its the only way of coping at the moment. I know you can do this I know I dont even know you but I feel I do (hmmm does that make sense?) I applaud you for writing this down and making the decision to go back to SW. You rock Karen xxx Julia G

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  3. Hi Karen your words resonate with me so much as iI too have had health issues similar to you. But following your blog over a year ago got me on my journey to lose weight.you are an inspiration get back on the way on don'tgive up... Start fresh each day you are strong in mind you can do it.best wishes to you jJulie. X

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  4. Keep goin start each day fresh, you can do it kKarenyou have a strong mind and have resonated with me and my health issues so much and inspired me.to lose weight . best wishes to you. Julie

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  5. Amazingly honest and so refreshing to read..
    been reading your blog for a while and wondered how you were doing.
    Onwards and upwards, you know you can do it , lots of luck xxx

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  6. Hello I am also on Slimming World and have lost over 5 stone. I used to be 24 stone then got down to 12 stone all alone and very quickly that I sadly picked up 6 stone so I decided to join slimming world last summer. I was devastated when I got on the scale and I was over 19 stone and I remember thinking how the hell am I going to lose this weight and I was so sad that I had let myself get fat again :( now I am feeling great as I have lost over 5 stone and am 1.5 stone away from where I will be happy to be.
    You can do it again hun, keep focused and do it.

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  7. Glad your back Karen, I've been reading the past posts since starting SW in Oct and really helped to motivate me. I understand I also suffer the dreaded D & A and also work in mental health. Sometimes anxiety can rear it's ugly head without no prior warning and can be completely debilitating. I have this book on a phone app and has done wonders for me. Not completely cured but certainly manageable (and meds free) http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/the_book.html. Don't beat yourself up, if your head is not in right place and D & A creeping in then weight loss and sticking to plan is 10 times more difficult. You can do it and will when you are ready.

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  8. Hi Karen - I have been reading your blog from a distance and have really loved reading every new post. I'm sure there are many more like me who silently have so much respect for you and admire your honesty, wit and achievements. I just wanted to step out of the shadows to give you little encouragement. Don't be hard on yourself - you have achieved so much more than MANY others. Mental health and physical health are very much connected - I hope you find a healthy, happy balance very soon!
    Lovely to have you back! You are an inspiration to more people that you know!
    Love from a fellow Tuesday weigh-in-er! :)

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  9. Hi Karen,
    Very welcome back to SW. Brutal honestly is a powerful foundation for your new journey, alas you have laid that foundation. Very well done. Go get your target girl.

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