It may seem like the last few months when my blog, and SW went by the wayside that I did nothing but eat. I mean, I did eat, a lot, but that wasn't the only thing I was doing. In the last few weeks when I think it's safe to say I hit the worst of the eating crap phase, with no pretense of being on plan in the slightest, in fact most days were spent grazing on rubbish rather than eating meals I also spent time thinking about what I was doing, and why I was doing it.
There are obviously many reasons behind my complete fail at slimming. It wasn't even so much of a Can't Be Arsed attitude, as it takes a visit to the supermarket to stock up on rubbish, not to mention popping to the local shops for "emergency" biscuits - so it can't really be put down to that. I've been feeling awful, with constant headaches, anxiety and tiredness, but eating rubbish is inclined to make you feel worse, not better...and although I have been feeling supremely sorry for myself, I'm intelligent enough to know that living on ice cream and biscuits won't make me feel better.
Part of me thinks that I was almost subliminally punishing myself. Despite all my hard work my body wasn't even close to what I wanted to look like, flappy arms, huge legs and still a significant tummy and of course the weight wasn't moving. I went from being 100% on plan to "one little xyz won't hurt" to "I'll just have this one day off plan" to the devastating low of utter carnage foodily speaking.
One thing that has become quite clear is that I will never have the body of my dreams, it's just not going to happen. I need to come to terms with that, make peace with the body I have been abusing for far too long. I am never going to be able to wear short skirts, I will always be conscious of my loose, flabby bits and my stomach is never going to look like a washboard. That's the reality. However, at my lowest I felt much better about myself, much better. If that's the body I'll have, then so be it. I was rocking my look and I felt good - and at practically 40, I could be much worse off.
So, I shall take my experiences of 2014 and try to learn from them. Learn that my body may never get to that elusive target weight of 12 or 11 stone, learn that health and fitness really does feel better than the helplessness that comes with binging on high fat and high sugar foods. Learn to love the body I am in, the body that has put up with me abusing it for over 30 years with no major issues, and learn to love myself again - not label myself a failure for gaining some weight back, but take some positives from the fact that I am once again doing my best to be as healthy as I can be, and perhaps that'll help with my other issues too.
So although I haven't posted, I've been on plan. I did have slightly too many syns on Saturday - eating 3 chocolates that were probably around 250 calories all told, so they took me over my syns, but as I was planning to eat a banana and a punnet of grapes to stave off the craving, which would have been about the same, I'm not going to get too upset about it, after all, I'm still adjusting from eating thousands and thousands of calories a day.
Apart from chocolates, things have been good, meals have included this little lot and the slippery slope of "treating" myself when Hague is in Barnsley has been avoided!
The weekend has been successfully negotiated, with fried rice and vegetable chow mein later for dinner, and maybe a cheeky hot chocolate in the bath before bed. Then a new week will be upon me, with our radio show - newly extended so we're on 4-7pm at www.harbourradio.co.uk - and then weigh in on Tuesday! Don't worry, I'm hoping to blog before then!
I shall also be taking more time to think about the body I will end up with, and be thankful that whatever it ends up looking like, it's got me this far :o) and sulking about fat legs and flappy arms will never change that, so it's time to get out of the doldrums and get this weight gone. For good.