Friday, 22 August 2014

The Never Ending Battle With Myself

It’s been a hellishly busy week. As of today, I’ve put in 50 hours, with the ever looming prospect of working tomorrow as well hanging over me!

My hold on the SW plan is still by my fingertips, with the exhausting craving vs being good battle being fought at all times. It’s madness isn’t it? As always, I’m trying all sorts of methods to keep myself in check – with one part of my brain insisting that reasons like these are why I need ice cream and/or biscuits stuffed into my gob at regular intervals…

1. I stuck to plan for 4 months after Christmas and lost sod all = so what’s the point?
2. In all likelihood I have lipoedema, my legs will always be enormous, dresses will never look nice on me = so what’s the point?
3. I can still get into (most) of my nice clothes = a little bit of something won’t hurt.
4. But I WANT it….really want it, right now. I NEED to eat (insert random crap foodage item) NOW.

None of these reasons are valid in the slightest. Right now, in this moment, the cravings seem absurd, ridiculous. Eating food like that will make me gain weight, and anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that my body will gain weight at any and every opportunity. When the cravings strike though, they are overwhelming, the desire for whatever food it is is so sharp, immediate and desperate that it feels like nothing at all, in the whole world will work to be rid of it except for giving in and eating whatever it is I’m focused on.
The thing is, giving in, surrendering, feels like the easy option – but it’s not. I need to remember that, and remember it good! In times of clarity, it’s things like this I should listen to…

1. When you eat crap, you feel crap. Every time. This time won’t be different.
2. Eating a tub of Haagen Dazs WILL show on the scales, I gain so easily and find losing so hard, why do I sabotage myself?
3. Being all upset about gaining weight when you are eating crap food is like feeling upset for being in pain when you’ve stabbed yourself.
4. Giving into the craving will not make it go away, not permanently. It will return, again and again and again.
5. I like being able to walk for miles, I like being able to ride Margot for even more miles, if I gain much more weight, I’ll lose those abilities.
6. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. So what if it’s not easy, who said it would be easy? Don’t keep on making the same mistakes, learn from them and move the chuff on!

I may be paraphrasing a motivational I’ve seen here, but perhaps I should tattoo this on my eating hand…

“Resisting a craving is hard, gaining weight and losing what you’ve worked towards is hard – choose your hard”

In the last few days I’ve had a couple of truly lovely emails from ladies who have found this blog, and have been inspired to join or rejoin Slimming World by reading my words. Pages of this blog have now been read over 1 million times – that’s a lot of people who are following my journey, who care in some way about me. Once again, things I need to remember when times get hard.

More tools have now been procured to help me, including a motivational diet app, which even has a food panic button which you can hit when you’re struggling and it’ll supply a motivational tip. Can’t hurt right? I will get back to that easy, effortless following of the plan. I just have to keep trying, I’ll only have failed when I stop trying. I will not stop trying.


  1. I can really sympathise with your post!! Sometimes I feel like that too! I only have to look at something and can put on weight - and I am very bottom heavy! This is my second time with Slimming World and having great results. My key thing - and I know I'm probably teaching you to suck moving. It doesn't have to be marathon style but I walk my dogs for maybe about an hour every night which is about 2.5 miles and I think it really does help. A few years ago I was in the very same position as you - turning 40 and desperate to lose. Stuck to healthy eating for 6-8 weeks and nothing. I was on the verge of going to my doctor as I didn't know what else to do. My husband who is very active encouraged me to go out walking and explained that my metabolism was probably at rock bottom because I did NOTHING! So I did start walking, 3 miles to begin with (not every night, but as often as I could), then at the weekend I did a wee bit extra. He told me it would take about 6 weeks for my metabolism to catch up so NOT to give up - and he was absolutely right! I lost nothing and then after about 6 weeks or so it started to come off. It really did make a huge difference. I'm not lecturing by any means, just talking from experience which hopefully might help. Keep going though X

    1. Hi Sharon, thanks so much for commenting. I'm pretty active anyway, I'm on my feet all day at work, and usually cover 10,000 steps at least whilst I'm there, and I'm out walking or riding my bike at every opportunity :)
      I just have to stick with it and hope it sorts itself out x

    2. If only weight was as quick to lose as it is to pile on!! If it makes you feel any better last night I ate 3 packets of crisps, a snickers and a fun size bag of maltesers and was still looking for something!! lol....I had a serious case of the munchies!! You are not alone!! X

    3. I'm a bit slow to catch on, only just read your post, but it's really helped me to say Today's Day One for the last time. All your points really hit the right note with me - and goodness knows, it's time something did. Thank you so much for posting. Happy New Year x

  2. Hi Karen, just wanted to say I'm stil rooting for you and so impressed that you are sticking with it - and us! Can't say your experience is foreign to me as a serial yo-yo dieter but still you are blogging and mindful and I am right behind you ( in as much as that helps!) lots of love and good wishes marix

    1. Thank you so much Mari, I think part of the reason that I'm still blogging whilst I'm struggling is that I know I'm not alone in feeling like this x