I’m afraid today is yet another humdrum sort of a day –
yesterday wasn’t much better but was mired down by utter tiredness and bizarre
mood swings of quite phenomenal proportions, I even scared myself with them!
So, yesterday. I gave up the ghost with trying to sleep far
too early again and was up in time to spend some time with Hague, at this point
my mood was reasonably normal, for me anyway, and as it was so early, I even
had myself a little snack before showering and heading to weigh in.
Funnily enough I was right, but I
was wrong about my weigh in result as I’d been convinced I’d be looking at a
gain after my holiday, even with missing group last week, but I had a loss, of
2lbs no less, which was thoroughly unexpected, but very gratefully
received!! So all good at group then eh?
I rode home on Margot though and could feel my mood just descending, I have
literally no idea why, and by the time I got home I was all a bit of a teary
mess.
A very concerned Hague offered to stay at home with me
rather than head to KickBoxing, but as I didn’t know what had caused the
plummet of my mood, it was pointless and so I sent him off to enjoy himself
whilst I threw together dinner.
I still don’t know why. I ate two of the granola squares on
the way to work and opened up the Munchies. Ate a few and decided I was being
utterly stupid and so threw then in the bin when I got to work.
Madness.
I did eat the other two granola squares though, oats and
nuts are healthy right ;o) I then spent
my shift feeling like crap, bloated and uncomfortable, and so only managed a
few bits from my lunch bag.
As today was a 12 hour shift, I woke up to dinner being
practically ready as I’d asked Hague to
do me “anything” to eat for dinner/breakfast/whatever the hell you call it,
before work, he’d obliged with vegetable pasta.
I didn’t like to mention that sitting in the fridge at work
was yet another tub of pasta for lunch! Ah well, nothing like double carbing
eh? And to be honest, why worry when it’s a damn sight more on plan than
granola slices and bloody Munchies!
With pasta eaten it was pretty much time to head to work,
where the day hasn’t gone too badly. The first part of the shift was spent
pretty much on my own, so rather busy…but of course I got a break in there…
I then took the opportunity to update my Fit Log on the
Slimming World website with my weekend’s activities and last night’s bike ride
and you could have knocked me down with a feather when this little beauty
popped up!
I’m hugely proud of this award. It’s genuinely one that I
never thought I’d get. Two years ago I weighed over 25st and just walking Boo
was a struggle, as was climbing our single flight of stairs to get to bed. Last
year I’d just walked my way around Race for Life and a tiny spark of interest
in exercise was lit inside me. This last year has seen me try Zumba, a cross
trainer, exercise bike and various other home gym equipment, C25K, swimming and
jogging, riding a bike and basically enjoying what my smaller and fitter body
can now do, and now I have a shiny little sticker that shows that I’m on my way
to a lifetime of feeling better, of making exercise a habit for life. It feels
good. It also gave me the kick today that I needed not to buy crisps from the
work vending machine. Yes, things have got that bad O.o
A few more breaks ensued...
...with some computer work to keep me
out of mischief for the rest of the night too, away from vending machines and
feeling in a more steady place on the bus. Again. A very tired me headed home feeling rather peckish and so put away a tin of baked beans before bed, and before this whole thing starts again tomorrow!!
Food Diary (Wednesday)
Free and Superfree
Pasta
Courgette
Onion
Mushrooms
Banana
Beetroot
Spinach
Cherry tomatoes
Spring onions
Cottage cheese with onion & chive
Sharon fruit
Apple
baked beans
Healthy Extras
A – 60g LowLow cheese spread
A – 40g reduced fat cheddar
B – 2 slices wholemeal bread
B – 2 Benefit bars
Syns
Blueberry Danio 3
Graze Scandinavian Fruit
4
Jacob’s cheese oddities 5½
tbsp brown sauce 1
Total syns 13½
I wish I could put my finger on why I’m struggling so much.
It seems that since I called target my mindset has just wandered all over the
place. I’ve got complacent, feeling that the odd treat here and there won’t
hurt, but they will. I’m focusing on things like exercise and how far I’ve
come, which is good, but again, leads me to the conclusion that a little of
what I fancy won’t hurt…
I’m in size 14 clothes, I’m far more active than I’ve ever
been, and after my weight loss stalling so badly whilst sticking 100% on plan I
guess I’m mentally taking a time out, rebelling if you like, pushing the
boundaries to see what happens.
The thing is, my gain of 11lbs after just 5 weeks at target
shows that what will happen is that I’ll gain the weight I’ve worked so very
hard to lose, and as the last few months have shown, my body is not very
willing to lose excess weight any more. I KNOW all this, I’m an intelligent
woman, so why am I having so many of these wobbles? I know full well what will
happen if I stop following the Slimming World plan that just a few short weeks
ago I was solidly adhering to as my way of life. If I was at my final target
would I feel more relaxed about it all? After all, for all the advice to look
at how far I’ve come, I’m not there yet, and carrying on in this vein will mean
I am highly unlikely ever to get there.
My strategy for now is to do what I advise so many other
people to do, take it one day at a time, one meal at a time when I’m really
struggling and see how I get on. This week’s loss should have been the boost I
needed to keep on the bus, but somehow it wasn’t. So far today, I’ve resisted
the urge for crisps and stayed on plan, and when I crawl into bed after posting
this blog, that’s what I need to remember, today was a good day, an on plan day
and tomorrow can be the same. Little steps, I was there, I was in the zone, and
I can get myself back there and get to target.
I need the unicorn cup in my life!! :)x
ReplyDeleteHi Karen, just love your blog. You are really doing amazingly, and I feel your pain sticking to a healthy eating plan... wondering if you'd ever considered the underlying reasons for your anxiety around food?
ReplyDeleteOften when we are so unpeaceful around food, it's because there's something bothering us in our lives... a couple of great sites I've found have really helped me with this - Google 'Cedric Centre', 'Pleasurable weight loss' by Jena La Flamme or Shrink Yourself by Roger Gould. Amazing help. I also write about this on my own blog, but of course, still learning.
http://how2peelanonion.blogspot.co.uk/
Good luck. Abby.