Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Losing My Way

Night shifts are terrible things for pondering, and last night was no exception. Since calling target on April 16th, I've not weighed in at group, I've been going to group, but not getting on the scales. This has given me a wonderful sense of freedom and stress relief as prior to calling target I would get stressed and upset every time I got on the scales to be greeted with yet another disappointing result...

However, there is a flip side....

...since calling target, my willpower is flailing in the wind - in those three weeks since I called target we've had 5 days off plan, 3 at Easter, and a day off at each of the next two weekends - and not just a little bit of a day off, hefty, ridiculous days off plan resulting in me feeling sick, bloated and utterly, utterly stuffed. A rather insane state of affairs don't you think? I honestly thought I'd dealt with the food issues that caused me to gain so much weight, but obviously not. My mind turns to off plan food nearly all the time, but when I indulge I feel bloody awful. That simple equation is not enough to stop me though. So now it's time to make a decision.

Do I continue in the way I've been going, weighing in monthly and hope that my willpower sorts itself out in time, once the novelty of being at an interim target wears off, or do I bite the bullet and get myself back to a weekly weigh in to stop me careering off plan? It's a toughie that's for sure! No way do I want to go back to the person who couldn't climb a flight of stairs, who could barely walk a few hundred yards without wanting to sit down, wearing dark, sz32 jeans to hide myself away from the world. That simply cannot and will not happen! After much pondering at work, I think I'm veering towards getting back to a weekly weigh in. If I've gone out of target due to my binging, then so be it - it's back to fully on plan Karen, nice and relaxed about food Karen, enjoying feeling satisfied and full of energy Karen, rather than the rather wild eyed, stuffed, sicky binge monster that seems to have emerged since April 16th!

I will, of course, keep you informed! So, yesterday...

I woke up early-ish for a night shift, at about 2.30 as I just couldn't stay in bed any longer. When I try and stay in bed for hours to prepare for a night shift I end up getting achey and giving myself a headache, something which was looming and so up I got and had a bit of time with Hague, with a few coffee's before heading off to group, via Costa. Even as I was sitting at group, my mind was wandering to the realm of naughtiness I could indulge in rather than feeling boosted and motivated, not the best sign, and another reason I really do think I need to face up to the scales on a weekly basis! With group done and me and Margot then facing the rain to get home in super speedy time it was to a lovely dinner, ready and waiting.

A jacket spud stuffed with egg mayo and topped with two HE's worth of cheese, with a Danio for afters. Not too much longer after that it was time to head to work, despite me not feeling too clever - for most of the shift I felt rather sick and bloated, something I can only really put down to the immense amounts of coffee I'd drunk on an empty stomach before group. The feeling didn't really improve too much at work and so the only food I had was this;

Not exactly huge amounts to keep me going, and so unsurprisingly, once I was done for the night, and had to go to Tesco to get Boo some food, I picked up a wee snack just to keep me going whilst I slept.

Food Diary - (Tuesday) - Green

Free Food
Shape 0% yogurt

Healthy Extras
A - 350ml skimmed milk (in Costa)
A - 40g reduced fat Cheddar
B - 40g reduced fat Cheddar
B - HiFi bar

tbsp extra light mayo                       1
large chai latte (minus 6 for milk)     8½
blueberry Danio                              3
Tesco sushi                                     ½

Total syns                                       13

Not my finest food day that's for sure, and I'm sure that feeling rough was partly due to disappointment in myself, I really have been worryingly out of focus when it comes to Slimming World. It's not a feeling I like having. Despite all the annoyances of recent months, my willpower might have been wavering, but not to the level it has been since calling target. I always knew that I'd have to continue going to my SW group on a very regular basis once I hit target, and I think these last few weeks have simply proved that fact. Slimming World will have to be a permanent part of my life if I want to maintain the results of all my hard work, not a hardship to me - and I suppose I'm glad that I've realised this now, rather than having to head back to group, several months and several stone down the line feeling utterly devastated. Slipping has to stop, weighing has to begin again.


1 comment:

  1. Hi Karen, i've loved reading this as i am at exactly the same point as you....i have been at target for 15 months. i initially started weighing every other week, then monthly. i managed quite well to stay inside the bubble until christmas, when i put on 9lbs :( no amount of being 100%, switching red and green days instead o my usual EE, or even success express got me back to my original target, so i raised it. (I'm 5ft5 and my original target was 10st7lbs) the lowest i could go was 10st12lbs so my wonderful consultant allwed me to put my new target at that. What happened next was Easter....and then refusing to go to class as i knew i'd gained. i have now missed 4 weeks again and am 1stone heavier than my original target :( i am mortified but will be going along to face it tomorrow as i know my demons must still be lurking there. I would say Bite the Bullet, don't let all your hard work go to