Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Struggling

Not struggling with plan so much - although with trying to get better, and my birthday I've not actually been on plan bar Sunday - but with my health.

Started feeling better on Friday and so we decided that we could celebrate my birthday, which we did. Meals out and booze were the order of the day for the weekend, up until yesterday. My stomach was still a bit iffy, but it's been iffy for days now, and when I went to bed last night I saw no reason why I wouldn't have a nice normal day today, with weigh in, couple of the year and then off to work...

I didn't manage any of it. I woke up feeling awful - not physically, but mentally. It's so hard to explain to people that haven't had mental health problems to describe what it's like when the mood descends, as normally there is no "reason" for the depressive mood - it just is...


Panic, stress and tears. Feeling sick to the stomach with a fear that has no logical reason to be there, then of course the feelings of being useless and a failure kick in to add to the mix. It's horrendous, and it's been a long time since I've been here. I am hoping that it's just a bit of a blip, as can happen at times when you have a history of depression, so back to the doctors for me tomorrow - and hopefully a visit back to normality not long afterwards!


8 comments:

  1. So sorry you're unwell, Karen, the only positive I can see is that you know it for what it is, and seek treatment, when so many people can't cope with that. Wishing a quick recovery for you. M xxx

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  2. Hiya. I have been there where I have to set myself tasks for the day. Day 1. Get up. Day 2. Get up and dressed. Day 3 get up, get dressed, go to shop. ... etc etc. I was here about 3 weeks ago. I understand and you can lift yourself out of the slump but you need to do it at your own pace of not you take on too much and crumble again. Take care of yourself. Jo xx

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  3. I have been there too. I hope you are able to shake off the shadows soon. Think of all the positives in your life and how lucky you are to be the wonderful you :)
    Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts xxx

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  4. I completely understand! Big hug Xxx xxx

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  5. Hope you feel better really soon : )

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  6. Hi I have been there also. U mentioned not long ago that Hague didn't want you to go to work at all as he missed you when he was away and u mention things like he can't sleep unless your there. As loving as it all seems Maybe he needs to encourage you to go to work especially when it is one of the things that we let suffer when depression hits us. Also the fact u mentioned u lay in bed just because he dosnt sleep well without u, how does he cope when he goes to see his children. I have been in a place wwith a partner that it's all about them and they didnt want me to go to work and would rather I stayed in but it was ok for them to do things. My depression was not helped by them. Please don't let it get to the point you lose ur job as I was too late and that suited him me having no job as it mean I could be with him all the time unless he wanted to go to the gym or a. trip away. Uv achieved so much losing weight dont lose ur identity too as when thats gone Hague might sleep better. And not have to miss u when u go to work but were is ur needs coming into this. Someone who suffers depression needs a partner who encourages them To live life.

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  7. I really feel for you Karen xx But you are an amazing role model to all who follow your blog. You blog about even the bad days and are very honest about stuff. You have achieved so much through your journey and should be very proud of yourself. Keep thinking about all the positive things you have done so far and give yourself time you'll get there just be kind to yourself. Thinking of you xx

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  8. I ummed and ahhed about whether to publish this, but I had a think and felt you deserved your say, and I wanted to put your mind at ease.
    Hague does encourage me to work, and is always dreadfully upset when a mood like this hits me. Believe me, he doesn't want me home in this state, I'm like an emotional black hole, and not good company.
    His sleep is shocking, whether I'm there or not, and I will stay in bed if he's actually asleep as if I get up, he'll wake up and get up, regardless of how much sleep he's had.
    I've been in a relationship where my partner sucked my identity out of me, and this isn't one. In fact I've never been with anyone who's more encouraging or supportive of me and what I want to do, he wants me to be me, and the best me I can be.
    Yes, we do love spending time together, and if neither of us had to work, we'd spend just about all our time together as we're happier that way - but we're both realists and know that we have to work, I'm not using excuses to stay at home, I'm having a rough time of it that hopefully the tools I've learnt previously with CBT, and my anti-depressants will help me out of sooner rather than later, I'm not living it up at home. Hope I've put your mind at rest.

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