Saturday, 15 February 2014

From Bad To Worse To WTF!

At what point do you give up? Just throw your hands up, resign from life and go and live in a duvet fort? I seem to lurch from one bad thing to another at the moment, and with me feeling so down it's really not helping. I'm sure a lot of people would be knocked down a little bit by my week, but with my depression rearing its head I'm really struggling so much.

I was down enough when I blogged on Tuesday, about how I was struggling with my moods - so what's happened since then to qualify for worse and WTF? Well....here goes....

FlumpyCat had been rather under the weather and on Wednesday night she took a turn for the worse, struggling to get a breath, and just utterly lethargic, and so off we went to the vets on Thursday morning - and had to come home without her, with the Vet agreeing it was her time, and so we had to say goodbye to her. We adopted her when her previous Mummy couldn't take her with her when she moved home, just over 3 years ago, and I loved her to pieces. Saying goodbye to furry friends is just SO hard, beyond hard and obviously that upset me enormous amounts.




I will miss her motorbike purr, her warm softness and the way she'd always want to be on my lap or legs. Not a great day on Thursday then.

Oh, and as you're here for the food, I have managed to stay on plan and foodwise the week has shaped up like this:



Making the tower of Babybels stay up was actually the highlight of Wednesday...




I even made myself rice pudding in an attempt to cheer myself up, my usual recipe with a carton of Almond Breeze unsweetened milk, 4oz of pudding rice, about 4tbsp of sweetener, and as I didn't have any vanilla extract I used about 3 tbsp of sugar free coffee syrup. All in the slow cooker for about 3 hours. The syrup definitely worked and the rice pudding was lovely.



I stirred in some figs, and then in a flash of inspiration I snipped up my HeB of Bear yoyo's (4 of them) and stirred those in too. It tasted lovely, like little gems of jam through the rice pudding, definitely something I'll try again. As I'd barely slept I finished up the night with a milky hot chocolate.

I didn't sleep much, in fact it was one of those nights when you lie there and lie there and lie there. Seemingly awake all night, you know you must have slept, but feel like you've not slept a wink all night long. A rather loud noise after a rather loud gust of wind didn't help. I was worried the garage door had  blown in, but as I didn't hear any more bangs and crashes I figured it wasn't that...

Well it wasn't the garage door.

It was the back gate and wall :o(



Seriously, what more can go wrong this week? To add insult to injury my insurers shut at 1pm on a Saturday and so nothing can be done until Monday morning. I can't fault the poor guy I spoke to at customer service, who actually sounded upset that he was leaving me in this situation, but I won't be insuring with them again, as surely a 24 hour claim line is pretty essential these days? Anyway, I now have a sort of barricade made of the gate, tied to a washing line and have moved most of the bricks. That's about as "secure" as I can make it. I can't even find the bike lock key, so can't move my bike inside either. 

Thank goodness for my parents, who once again have come to my rescue with a loan of the money to pay the excess, mere days after me having to ask for another loan to pay for saying goodbye to poor Flumpy. It sucks having no credit and no savings, just as just about everything else sucks right now.

It's easy to say focus on the good things, but when the good things feel a million miles away, when your depression has set in with a vengeance, and you're struggling to see when things will get better it's so hard. I'm starting to think it might just be a good idea to ignore my birthday completely, as this week has been a nightmare, and as you may remember, after my lovely birthday weekend last year we came home to this...



Makes me wonder what's the point in celebrating. Wouldn't be such a  bump down to earth when the crap happens then would it? 

*sigh*

I shall stop whinging now, for a while, and tell the full tale of today. Once we'd discovered our new, open plan yard, Hague did his best to pick the bricks up and block the gap so that Boo wouldn't escape when she has a wee, and then had his breakfast and headed up to Barnsley, after all there wasn't much he could do here, and so he got on the train, and I stayed glued to my phone waiting for the insurance company to call me back....and waited....and waited....and made jacket potatoes that I forgot to take a photo of....and waited...The customer service of my insurance company rang me back, with the advice that the claims department were closed until Monday morning and so to just make the yard secure....just scroll back up there a wee bit to the photo. How was I supposed to make that secure? My whole yard is open to the communal area at the back of my house, complete with a public walkway. One person, with the DIY skills of a goldfish, cannot make that secure. So I piled up as many of the loose bricks as I could and sort of rigged up the gate as a bit of a fence by tying it to the washing line. It's not secure, but hopefully it's not so blatantly open.

After such a wonderful start to the day, it was always going to be an uphill struggle to cheer myself up, so I put on one of my dinosaur t-shirts that make me smile, grabbed some noms and glued myself to the sofa with some candles on.



Complete with a Boo and a JadeyPuss! Many friends have done their best to cheer me up today, or just let me know they care, which has been truly lovely and means so much, so thank you to all of you, you're amazing friends, each and every one of you. That was pretty much my day. I got hungry again at about 7ish and wasn't sure what I fancied, so roasted off tons of veggies, poured eggs over them and topped with Camembert and bunged them in the oven for 20 minutes or so.....voila! Dinner.


A couple of syns there in the 100g of pineapple cottage cheese and a tbsp of light thousand island dressing and rather lovely it was too. Didn't stop me eating the rest about an hour later :)


With my day turning more surreal as my continual conversation with TOK involved such things as texting with your eyes closed, sweaty cheese and Siri's singing voice, my mood did lift slightly and having a big old bowl of rice pudding before heading for a nice long soak helped too.


No yoyo's today, just figs and blueberries, but it was still delicious. With that eaten, millions of episodes of Come Dine With Me watched and most subjects under the sun covered by myself and TOK it was definitely time to get myself bathed and into bed, where hopefully sleep shall await!

Food Diary (Saturday)

Free Food
potatoes
low fat cottage cheese
grapes
eggs
sweet potato
carrot
courgette
onion
tomatoes
beetroot
spinach
blueberries
figs

Healthy Extras
A - 250ml semi-skimmed milk
A - 40g reduced fat cheddar cheese
B - (both) - 40g Camembert

Syns
300g low fat cottage cheese with pineapple          3
1 tbsp Kraft light thousand island dressing            1
rice pudding                                                        2½
Options hot chocolate                                         2
Treat size bag of buttons                                     4

Total syns                                                            12½    

Here's hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any more disasters. I'm heading out too, as I don't want to get myself stuck in a downward spiral that has me too anxious to leave the house, that's never good, so into town it is for me. I also hope that a warm bath and a hot chocolate work to help me nod off as I get the feeling that otherwise I'll be waking up at every noise thinking someone is in the yard.

Surely nothing else can go wrong now though....please? I've really had enough of it all now. Onwards and bloody upwards, it has to be, right?                                      

1 comment:

  1. I am absolutely in AWE of your ability to stay on plan while things have been so utterly crappy for you. I hope the insurance company sort everything out sharpish xxx

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