Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Enough Already and Emotional Eating

I should have blogged last night really, but I was rather weary and I'll be honest, it was rather a boring day. Sunday night was hideous, with me dragging myself up to bed, utterly shattered after blogging at about 9 o'clock. When I was still awake at gone 11 I got up again and decided to eat, and so put on some boiled rice, no idea why, that's just what I fancied, in fact the first lot went down so nicely I had another bowl! Hague was still in Barnsley, and so we had a very late night chat before I headed back up to bed, full of rice, and resorting to sleeping tablets to get me some sleep. They finally worked, in fact they worked so well that I only woke up at 2pm, meaning my plans to get myself out of the house fell by the wayside in favour of getting myself a coffee and then picking up Hague at the station. Breakfast had to wait until I was back in again!

Toasted cous cous, with black forest fruits and natural yogurt and topped with a HeB of the NutriGrain breakfast biscuits, lovely and filling for a day that was once more spent in a kind of fog of emotional numbness, despite the return of Hague.

As I knew I wouldn't really be in the mood to be overly creative, lunch was a stew, my first attempt and one of my Lob It All In specials. 

I just threw a bag of stew vegetables (from M&S, get me!), some mushrooms, tin of butterbeans, tinned tomatoes and herbs in a big old pot, crumbled in a couple of stock cubes and added in some pearl barley, and left it in the oven on a low heat for about an hour or so. rather lovely it was too, and there was plenty left over. Dessert was the lovely treat of a Danio

Worth every one of 3 syns. The day was spent doing not a lot except managing to miss the calls from the insurance company about getting our gate fixed, I think I only left my phone twice all day, and of course it was then that they called!

With Hague trying to cheer me up with cuddles, and TOK trying to cheer me up with tales of UniKitty's my mood did manage to raise a little - although the weird fog of numbness was still swirling round. It's an odd one - knowing the things should be eliciting certain emotions in you, recognised it completely, but just not feeling them. It's one of the symptoms of depression I truly hate, as you feel separated from everything. The only comfort food I've resorted to is the on plan sort though, and dinner was just that.

With both of my HeA's still to use, I slathered my gnocchi with 150g of reduced fat soft cheese, with some courgette, tomatoes and spinach stirred in. I even managed to get my remaining HeB in before heading to bed.

Food Diary (Monday)

Free Food
frozen forest fruits
fat free natural yogurt
toasted couscous
mushy peas
rice (a refugee from Hague dishing up his dinner next to mine!)
pearl barley

Healthy Extras
A - (both) - 75g reduced fat soft cheese
B - 2 Oat and Honey NutriGrain breakfast biscuits
B - 70g semi-dried apricots

milk in coffee (1)              ½
Danio  blueberry              3
200g gnocchi                   4
Nak'd raisins                   3½

Total syns                        11

We headed up to bed reasonably early, as Hague had a dentist appointment, and we had planned to go together and then have a wander to Sports Direct. After another crap night's sleep, he headed off on his own whilst I tried to get more sleep. When he returned with the news that he'd been refused JSA, I gave up on sleep and spent a while productively crying before calling the insurance company - to be told they won't cover the gate, only the wall....what chuffing use is a wall just standing across a third of the back of my yard without a gate? So after waiting all weekend, and then playing missed call tag for a day, we'll have to sort it out ourselves. Oh the joy. I'm sure you can all understand why it's been a bit of a weepy day, and my appetite vanished along with any vestige of vague cheerfulness that might have occurred. When three coffees didn't wake me up, I headed back up to bed.

Sleep was thwarted by the always great "How are you" phone call from my Manager, in which more crying ensued, followed by several more phone calls to the various health support lines to find out which one could actually give me some support. After such fun, I did actually manage a bit of sleep, but I still pretty much looked like death as I headed into weigh in, finally getting some fresh air as I decided to walk in despite the drizzle.

I wasn't surprised by the result - ½lb on - as we really did go to town over my birthday weekend, but that does mean I'm still a lb heavier than I was before Christmas, which I'm finding highly frustrating, as since Christmas Day I've had 8 days off plan in total. My body never does lose easily though, but I really want to shift at least 1lb this week to get my 11½st award back - finally! I won't be sticking it on my book until I've earnt it again. Group was fab, I picked up the new magazine, some bogof Christmas hifi's and had a much needed catch up with some of my lovely girlies, Sam, Sacha and Kayleigh especially. Such a good catch up in fact that me, Sacha and Kayleigh were still yabbering away nearly half an hour after group finished! I still wasn't hugely hungry when I got in, but knew I had to eat, and the easy option of the leftover stew with chips, as apparently it's National Chip Week!

I didn't realise there was quite so much stew left when I put it in the microwave! After not eating all day though it went down quite nicely with the cheesey chips, I even had room for a rather decadent 10½ syn dessert...

I had planned on having 100g of ice cream for 7½ syns, but as that would have left 40g in the tub it seemed silly not to have it all, especially as I'd had no syns yet today. As myself and Hague are both struggling a bit, it's not been a great evening. I've been losing myself in the Hunger Games world of Panem, whilst he has been applying for jobs. A bath with the new magazine for me, and a session on the punchbag for Hague has perked us up slightly and so now I'm nearly ready for bed, as I enjoy a milky Chai tea and a little plate of noms whilst updating you all.

Food Diary (Tuesday)

Free Food
leftover stew
(that's a very short list isn't it? Lots of veggies in the stew though)

Healthy Extras
A - 250ml semi-skimmed milk
A - 40g reduced fat Cheddar
B - HiFi bar
B - 70g semi-dried apricots

140g Asda caramel ice cream                 10½

Total syns                                               10½

I sure really have been in bed by now (half past midnight), as it's my turn to visit the dentist tomorrow, but I'm still feeling awake. Good old body clock!

So many people have mentioned how good it is that I've managed to stay on plan this week and last week, how they would have been binging and comfort eating. I wish I could explain the thought process behind me staying on plan, as I know so many people struggle with emotional eating, old me included. I think there are two elements involved, one is the fact that food will not make me feel better, a pizza won't bring FlumpyCat back, cake won't rebuild my gate, downing a bottle of wine will not find Hague a job.....those are the facts, it's also a fact that if I'd have had any of those, within half an hour I would be feeling sick and guilty - two things that most definitely would not help my mood. So I won't have them, as it's a futile exercise.

Secondly, when the whole world around me is turning to shit, with so many things happening that I have no control over, there is one thing I CAN still control. What I'm eating. I can make sure I'm giving myself the best fuel to get me through the bad days, good food that will keep me going, comfort food of the warm, stodgy, cheesey kind that will make me feel better, not worse. 

When you feel yourself reaching for something to eat, something off plan or "naughty", just ask yourself why you want it. Just take that moment, that split second to consider why you want it. If the reason you want it is anything other than hunger, ask yourself if you really really want it, or if something within your syns will do the trick. Food will never replace a hug, a kind word, a bit of sillyness with a friend - maybe try those first before trying to find something in food that has not, will not, and won't ever be there. My email and FB links are at the top right of this page, talk to me if you have no-one else. Be kind to yourself, says she who has spent most of the day crying!!



  1. Hi, Karen, keep on keeping on. Sorry about Hagues's job. Didn't realise the museum had finished. Hope he finds something soon. M x

  2. Very well written, love reading your article on emotional eating.