Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Devastation and Decisions

Today has not been good, in no way, shape or form can today even vaguely declare itself as anything other than a totally and utterly sh*tty day. I'm not sure whether to document my day as normal, or just let my feelings out in a big ol' grumpy rant instead.

I think the rant might win.

I'm just back from weigh in, which I was hoping was going to make up for the utter crappiness today has bestowed on me so far. I knew the odds were slightly against me, as it was earlies, so I'd eaten, and I'd also had the wonderful surprise of coming on two days early too - but there is always, always that glimmer of optimism when I step on the scales, well today, I was greeted with a gain of 3½lbs. Now, I know that I struggle to lose on earlies, but 3½lbs is just gutting, utterly gutting. I've gone from being within touching distance of my next award to being 5lbs away, at the very, very best that's another week to lose, and more likely two. I hate going backwards, I hate going backwards even more when I've been 100% on plan. I know people are being nice when they say "You'll get that next week" I know they're being supportive, but I wanted it THIS week - I've been on plan, I'm eating tons of superfree. I have gained for no good reason and it's really hit me hard. It may be the hormones but I'm in tears at the moment. We didn't stay to group, I was umming and aahing anyway as I worked late, but the gain hitting me so hard was the final straw. I couldn't bear to sit in group and hear about people losing despite eating crap, put on a happy face when I felt so angry, devastated, frustrated, confused and upset. 

Maybe I'm overreacting, but this journey is so important to me, and I don't take it lightly. I've had my fair share of "undeserved" gains, and also a far few when I've had a day off plan. I don't get away with playing with the plan, I have to stay fully on board, and as I've said before, I don't find that hard - but a gain, and a large gain, after a good week, again, was just too much to take today :( Already I've had lovely, kind, sweet supportive messages on FB and Twitter - so thank you all - and the true measure of my determination is what I did when I came home.....

I had my totally on plan dinner. Not pizza, or crisps or cake, but chilli with sweet potato and normal potato chips topped with LowLow. Believe me, I'm hideously upset, but turning to food didn't even cross my mind, so I guess that's one bright spot right there....food was not my first thought when I was struggling not to cry. Progress from a year ago that's for sure.

Anyway, before dinner, and before weigh in, was the rest of my craptacular day - so I shall recap.....

Alarm at 4.30. Joy. Headed to work to be greeted my machine alarms, one after the other, taking it in turns to play up and generally be utter b*stards. This was compounded by being asked to work an extra 4 hours, of course I couldn't do that due to weigh in, but agreed to stay until 4, so an extra couple of hours or so. The whole day was a nightmare, with machines just playing up constantly, no amount of coffee keeping me awake and then the early and unprepared for arrival of star week. More joy.

Foodwise, the day consisted of these delights.....

Plus several more coffee's. Which probably contributed to the headache that appeared too. Jeez what a day, and jeez what a whinge! 

So what now? Well I have made the decision that I've been wavering over for a while, I shall be going back to "proper" green days, with two of each Healthy Extra, as I have just as many unexplained gains now as I did following the full green plan, so as of today, I'm back on green days. Apart from that, nothing will change. Maybe I'll change up what I'm eating a wee bit, maybe I'll have a look over the last week to see if anything has crept in, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't, I'm careful about protecting my losses, but it can't hurt. As for tonight, I shall enjoy another Benefit bar as the second half of my second HeB, and I might treat myself to one of the white chocolate Muller lights desserts Hague found today, and then bed, and hopefully sleep and I can wake up to a new week and get working on losing this 3½lbs. Again.

Food Diary

Free Food
kiwi fruit
Activia yogurt
sweet potato
veggie chilli
  chopped tomatoes
  baked beans
  kidney beans
  mixed peppers

Healthy Extras
A - 60g LowLow
A - 60g LowLow
B - 2 Benefit bars
B - 35g Jordan's unsweetened muesli

rice pudding                                2½
Crispy Fries                                3½
Muller light white choc dessert     5

Total syns                                    11

Sorry for bestowing such a total pity party on you all today, but I felt it was important to be honest with you all. Sometimes, most of the time in fact, I can take these gains on the chin - but obviously today wasn't one of those times. I wish I knew why it's affected me like this, but we've all been there right? I shall not let myself fall off the wagon, I shall not linger on this too much longer, but it's been quite cathartic to be able to blog about it, and hopefully it'll be easier to let go of the upset now.

If you've made it this far, thank you for sticking with me. If you're in my SW group, sorry I wasn't up to staying, and I'm sure you all understand, and I'll see you in a few weeks (shifts are not being kind). Otherwise, I'm just sorry! Hopefully I'll be happier tomorrow, but seeing as a 12 hour early shift looms, don't hold your breath!



  1. I have already told you how proud of you I am and you continue to show how amazing you are xx I luffs you muchly and I will be around tomorrow to keen you as sane as possible

    and doug says lick lick

  2. you are doing an amazing job and your honesty is so refreshing, don't let it get you down, you are an inspiration. you go girl x

  3. I can completely understand where your coming from. With a gain of any sort after you have been on plan is absolutely gut wrenching and I agree that maybe because your totm arrived it may have made it even more upsetting for you because the gain was large.

    Next week you will lose again and it might not be the amount you hope for but at least it will be a loss. Your very inspirational and very 'real' in that you have gains as well as all your losses. You also get the dreaded unexpected gain which has no explanation at all.

    Hope the rest of the week goes better for you.

    Carrie x


  4. I feel for you, my losses have been slow from the start and any gain, especially an undeserved one is heartbreaking. I truly hope with all my heart that it pays off for you next week
    Unfortunately my response to a bad day is still a binge session. It hasn't happened in a long while but it's always on my mind.

  5. I no im late on this comment but bless ya hun, and I SO get where you are ranting from.
    You are doing fabtastic but thats not what you wanted to hear and the dreaded star wk too!
    On wards and up wards! I will keep with you and watch in awe.....
    Love & hugs